Most of us grew up learning a lie. Now that we have our own kids, we are teaching it to them.
How often do you catch yourself saying to your kids, "Did Jill hurt your feelings?"
What's wrong with that?
It implies that someone else has control over your feelings.
The problem with believing that someone else can hurt your feelings is that it gives you no control over how you feel. It gives all the control to the people outside you and how they behave.
What actually hurts us is our own thoughts.
Words come out of someone else's mouth. We have thoughts about those words. Our thoughts create our feelings.
Think about it. You wouldn't be offended if someone came up to you and said, "I really don't like your blue hair." Why? Because (most likely) you don't have blue hair, so you don't identify with that statement at all.
When someone says, "You are selfish!" you might have a thought like, "Sometimes I am." and then you would feel guilty and maybe angry.
This is a very important distinction, because YOU can decide if you want to believe what someone else says to you.
Whenever my kids tell me that someone "hurt their feelings" I ask them:
Is it true? - Sometimes feedback from other people doesn't feel good, but our kids need to learn to take responsibility for themselves even when it isn't comfortable. If your sister tells you, "You are a jerk!" you need to evaluate wether you were being a jerk or not and own that.
Do you want to believe that? - If someone tells you, "you are a horrible dancer" do you want to believe that? Does believing that serve you in any way? People are allowed to be wrong about you.
Can you imagine why someone would say something like that? - It's helpful to think about what might be happening in someone else's brain that would cause them to say what they say. Maybe the person was feeling angry, jealous or afraid. What people say or do has to do with their own brains and not with you.
Teach your kids that they control their own feelings. Understanding that intellectually is one thing. Putting it into practice is another thing. Most adults still struggle with this.
My coaching program is all about teaching mothers to apply these skills in their own lives. When you can model them to your kids you can create the peaceful family life that you long for. The most important thing you can do for your kids wellbeing is taking care of your own mental health !
Book a free mini session HERE!
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